LOST

I'm just another frustrated employee trying to regain something I've lost: my confidence.

I’ve lost my edge.

Straight up, I’ve lost my edge, my swagger.

Suddenly, I’m no longer sure of my self, of my abilities, of my talents, of my skills.

Every day, every night, I go like, “Am I as good as I think I am?” There’s doubt, there’s reservation, there’s cynicism. There are questions, questions I can’t answer.

I am doubting myself.

Two years ago I was so sure of myself. I was confident, a bit too confident it bordered on cockiness, on arrogance.

“I was good,” I told myself. “I was good.” And I believed that––hook, line, and sinker.

I guess getting good job offers left and right does that.

But that was two years ago. Today is different, very different.

All it took was a slight, a snub, a brush-off.

Last February our two copyeditors resigned, leaving a huge vacuum to fill. Word got out that a select few of us, current editors, would be groomed as the next copyeditor (the other copyeditor post was to be filled up by a new hire). The setup was simple: upper management would select the “most qualified” editors and train them. They’ll be, in essence, copyeditors-in-training, with the strong possibility of promotion somewhere down the line, may be within the year.

Naturally, I expected that I’d be, even at the very least, considered. I honestly believed that I had proven myself for the last year and a half––I never missed deadlines, I produced quality work, I gave them top-shelf writing, and I showed good attitude. Heck, I gave more than what was asked for! Everything in my JD, I did with fervor, and then some.

At times, I became a production team all by myself: evaluating, editing, revising, writing, lay-outing, proofreading, and drawing. Yes, DRAWING!

Heck, all I wanted was to be considered. The hell with being chosen, I just wanted upper management to give me a look and say, “Hey, maybe we should consider him.”

All I wanted was for my bosses to pull me aside and say, "You know, we're considering you as a potential copyeditor-in-training. We think your good, we think your qualified."

That's all I wanted. I couldn't have cared less if I was chosen or not. I just wanted some sort of validation, some kind of confirmation that, indeed, I'm good enough.

It never happened.

Fuck! Shit! Fucking shit!

And the question just popped out of my mind: Am I not good enough?

Really, AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

Honestly. I felt bad, really, really bad. I just got slighted, snubbed, brushed-off!

Nothing against those who got chosen––they’re good, real good.

But this isn’t about them. I’m happy for them. Really, I’m happy for them. But I know I’m just as good, just as qualified––or am I?

Now I don’t even know for sure.

Maybe I’m not as good as I thought I was. Maybe I never was good in the first place.

I know there are still people who believe in me, people who constantly appreciate and recognize my talents, my skills, and my demeanor. Unfortunately, those people aren’t my bosses.

So now I’m still searching for answers, still searching for my once indissoluble confidence.

I want to regain my edge, rediscover my swagger.

I just don’t know if I can do it.